Two Years Without You

I never thought I'd be doing this. I never imagined in a million years that I'd be writing this story. I wish that it didn't have to be my story. You were a major part of my life though. You were and always will be a major part of my story.

These past two years, I've missed you so much especially on days like today. September 1st used to be just like any other day but now it means so much more… probably more than any other day. The day you left this earth is a day I will never forget. As much as it hurt, as much as I did not want it to happen, I am glad that I was able to be there and hold your hand as you took your last breath. I will always remember that moment and be thankful that I was able to be there for you. I’m thankful for the strength you showed during your life. I’ve said so many times over the last two years that I needed you here with me to be able to get through this heartache and grief. But you are with me. Maybe not physically but the strength you showed and the life you lived has made the last two years a little easier as I’ve been able to see some of that strength and that life come out in me.

I wish you were here right now to see the world as it is. It has been a crazy year. Then again, with all this sickness going around I’m not sure I would want you to be out in it too much. And I know how much you’d hate that, being stuck inside all the time. I’m sure you would have an opinion about everything that is going on in the world right now. Maybe that’s why I’ve tried to be more outspoken about things. You never really minded sharing your opinion on things and I’m pretty sure I know how you’d feel about everything that’s happening in the world nowadays.

It’s been hard doing stuff without you. Going grocery shopping, cleaning up around the house, sometimes just being in the house without you around is painful to deal with. One of the hardest things is going to church without you. I didn’t go for a long time but started trying to go back right before this virus took over. So now I’ve been going over to my parents to watch services on Facebook. It’s different but better than nothing. I think my parents like it because I bring Ally over there with me and I think Ally likes it too because she gets to see them. Ally and Peanut both miss you. I asked them; they told me. Ally especially does since she got to spend more time with you when you were home during the day with her. The first few months after, when I would get home from work, she would stand at the door waiting for a minute for you to walk in behind me like you did so many times. She just knew you would walk inside eventually. Broke my heart watching her every time. She still does it every once in a while but she might just want to go outside, who knows.

Life’s been harder without you here with me, but I know you’re in a better place and I know I will see you again one day. And that day will be better than any day that we spent together here on earth. As hard as life has become, I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. Some days I can’t help it, but I try to be strong and live life. I know God has a plan in all this. Everything that happens isn’t for nothing. I may not know the reason right now and may not ever fully understand but I know the pain has a purpose. I don’t want that pain or purpose to go to waste. For that, for you and for God, I will live.

I miss you and I love you always.