Time Does Not Heal Anything

"Just give it time."

"Time heals all wounds."

We've all heard these sayings. I've heard them many times over the last year and ten months. I have even said them myself a few times. Time does not heal anything though. Time is a measurement from one point in the past, present or future to another point. The last several weeks I have felt a seemingly overwhelming wave of grief. I am not exactly sure why it seemed to have hit me at this particular time, but I have also come to realize that grief has no timeframe or concept of time at all. It does not care how long it has been or what day it is. It could be your favorite holiday or just Wednesday. My birthday was a few weeks ago but this uncontrollable wave started before then. Maybe it was the anticipation of another “big day” without Kati that was causing this to hit me from out of nowhere.

It's coming up on two years. So how long does it take before the pain of grief goes away? I think it depends. There are different elements that factor into the intensity and longevity of the grieving process. What is your relationship to that person; What are the circumstances surrounding their passing; What kind of support system do you have around you that can help you through the process; What steps are you taking for yourself to get through this hard time. Grief is weird and different for everyone so I am sure there are other aspects to it but these are the ones that stuck out to me personally.

I think a lot of time over the last year and almost ten month has been spent focusing on the first two. Kati was my wife. “You just don’t understand the hurt that losing a spouse can cause.” I have said or thought this phrase many times since Kati passed. The circumstances surrounding her passing was over half her lifetime spent battling kidney disease and, in the end, spending two months in the hospital in agonizing pain. Spending time focusing on what you lost and how you lost it takes away from what you have. I have memories that I will never forget. I have a family that I will always love. I have the rest of my life to be able to enjoy. I have a faith in God that tells me that this life is not the end and tells me that I will see Kati again. When I see her again, she will not have kidney problems or any health issues at all. She will not be in any pain. I have the faith and knowledge that she is already experiencing this healing power of the heavenly Father in her heavenly home.

So why spend so much time focusing on the pain? Pain has been described as different things. It is a signal that something is not right. Pain caused by grief tells us that our loved one is no longer with us and we now need to deal with it. Sometimes, there is comfort in pain. When I start to have moments of little to no pain, I start to feel guilty. Guilty that because I am not in pain I am not thinking of Kati. Guilty that I am not sad even though she is not with me. Then I go back to the pain. Grief is confusing and doesn’t make sense, so our brain makes us think things that don’t make sense. Pain used as a comforting emotion doesn’t make sense. I have had many days that good things happen, but it makes me incredibly sad either from guilt or just because Kati isn’t here to share in my happiness. Sometimes, focusing on the pain helps us feel justified in the way we feel. “I’m hurting so I should feel this way and you should respect my pain.” Grief can turn into a defensive mechanism. It entitles the owner of the grief to be resentful to others because of what they still have as a reminder of what you don’t have. “You don’t understand.” I have said that before, out loud and in my head. Time spent focusing on the pain does not help in healing.

Healing does not come from the pain. Pain tells us that something needs to heal or fixed or changed. It is the messenger. The healing comes from the Healer.

Healing does not come from time passed. Time is a vessel that allows us to get from where we are to where we are going. Where we are going and what we put into that vessel depends on how much we heal. Sometimes my vessel gets stalled out and I am seemingly going nowhere. Sometimes it needs a jump start. Sometimes it just needs to be carried by the grace of God. I'm not sure if I will ever be 100% completely healed of this pain this side of life but I know when times are tough, painful and out of control that I can turn to the healing power of my Saviour.