Present Sufferings

Imagine a loved one being admitted to the hospital and the doctors decide that your loved one needs to be placed in ICU and sedated for intubation on a ventilator. Imagine spending the next month and a half watching that person, the person who means the most in the world to you, fight for her life. The ups and downs. The moment they are able to take the ventilator off and she is awake enough to talk to you again. The late night conversations when she is coherent enough despite all the medications she is taking. The times the hospital equipment acts up and starts beeping like something major is wrong. The moment you and your family are in the room with her as she takes her last breath... that was my world two years ago. Today, two years ago, July 16, 2018, Kati was admitted to the hospital for the last time. Although this is not the story that I wanted to tell, through everything that has happened and despite Kati no longer being here with me, I was blessed. Blessed enough have her in my life for 11 years, almost 9 years of marriage. Blessed enough to be able to care for her even when I didn't want to. I know she didn't want me to have to even moreso. Blessed enough to have loved each other, laughed with each other, cared for each other, grown with and through each other, and shared life with each other.

I was also blessed to be surrounded by family, my parents and her parents especially, and be able to Kati's hand as she took her last breath here on earth. As hard as that moment of letting go was, I knew God was in control and I knew Kati was about to see that firsthand. "Not my will, but Yours..." This was definitely not my will. But I was blessed. I cannot imagine being in a situation where I could not see her for those six weeks. I cannot imagine having to say goodbye without every getting the chance to say goodbye. This is the world we live in today and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for people to sit by at home while their loved one dies. I was blessed enough to have the time and allowance to be able to stay with her every moment of that six weeks except for a few times throughout the day when ICU was shut down for shift changes. But I was also blessed not to HAVE to stay with her every moment. My parents, Kati's parents and I rotated shifts for the entire month and a half so that someone was always there with Kati. There are few, if any, things more of a blessing in this world than having parents who love your spouse, differently, but in the same capacity as you do.

My suffering and grief does not define me. My God does. And He is Sovereign over all things. He blesses me even when I don't see it. He "restores my soul." He reminds me that my "present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us" in heaven. Despite my present sufferings I am blessed. Blessed to know that one day I will see Kati's face again and hold her hand again, not in death but in eternal life. Blessed that, as wonderful as that day will be when I see her again, even greater, it will be in the presence of my Savior and my God.